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Post by Alone on Nov 29, 2017 7:01:00 GMT
God knows the situation. I could go into details, but suffice it to say, after nearly a decade of trying, my daughter and I are still very alone and isolated here. I have encountered the kind of people here I used to think only existed in these numbers inside of a prison. Pathological liars and sociopaths abound. I have been stunned to encounter more than one even inside of the church, where they are elevated as 'men of God' without any real accountability, while they abuse women, lie, steal, and use porn in their 'real lives'. I am completely gut checked from living in this state. I am a different person after experiencing so much lack of conscience and indifference here.
I know God says he will place the solitary in families. But here we are still so alone, so disconnected from anyone. It feels like unless you are lucky enough to be born into a loving family, you will always be alone in life, no matter how hard you try. I don't even know what to do anymore. I have prayed even for a visitation from Jesus, so I could hear just one voice say that they honestly care about me and my daughter. Please pray for us. I am afraid that maybe God has rejected me permanently and that is why I can't seem to receive any guidance or help out of this isolation. I have sworn off all manner of things that could interfere with my relationship with God over the years. I am not perfect, but I am not living in any willful sin. If there is a reason for this isolation, then I pray it makes itself known. If there is a way out of it, then I pray for truly good people to enter our lives, and to protect us from the wolves in sheep's clothing that we have only experienced so far. Thank you.
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Post by Monii on Nov 29, 2017 11:53:59 GMT
Definitely will pray. Maybe its the kind of wilderness you will leave once you stop trying to leave with your own strength. Maybe God wants you all for yourself for now? Im only speculating. Im sorry you experienced that especially in church..
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Post by waris on Nov 29, 2017 13:17:32 GMT
Will pray for you. Perhaps God wants you there to fight/ pray for that area? I know what you mean about being alone. The only human interaction i get is when my mother comes home from work, which is not really much since I'm up all night and trying to get some sleep during the day. Other than that I'm spending all my time with God and learning and thinking about/ praying to Him and interacting with other believers online. I don't really hear God or sense Him, but I feel He is with me. i know He loves me very much and hears every prayer, which is what faith is and it's impossible to please God without faith. Take a listen to this, it helps me. www.youtube.com/watch?v=cek1XgulAEM&list=PLgXTgRvjzhBEfOG2ZdbPGKJfZlrOKp37d&index=11 The whole album is pretty good too. |
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Post by Alone on Nov 30, 2017 5:11:03 GMT
Monii - Thanks. I have stopped trying for long period of time. Then I start to feel bad that I am not able to provide my daughter any family except for myself. Sometimes I almost wonder if I'm already dead and am a disembodied spirit, that's how invisible I feel most of the time. I have actually felt this most strongly in churches. Aside from the obligatory greeting mandated by the pulpit, no one speaks to you unless you are already part of the in-crowd. I was really trusting and giving to others, probably to the point of naivete, but all that got me was repeatedly used, lied to, and hurt - and I am even talking about friendships here, not just relationships. I have closed the door on ever having another relationship. That part of my life is done and I have accepted that. The damage that so many men seek to do in a woman's life is simply not worth the risk anymore. I don't know if God 'wants me all to Himself' right now. When everyone else in life seems to have rejected me, it is hard to imagine God accepting me in that way.
waris - Thanks for the prayers and the link. I have prayed for this area. It's just difficult always going it alone. I'm pretty sure God didn't make us for this kind of isolation. But to be honest, after the kinds of people I have let into my life, I know I am better off alone. I just keep hoping there are some truly good people out there, not perfect, just someone who doesn't lie to your face repeatedly so they can take advantage of your good nature. Someone who isn't living a double life - one so they can receive the praise of the world, and the other one that abuses you behind closed doors. I'm still seeking Him, but I have about lost my faith in people. The irony is, I had a miracle happen almost a month ago, and I truly have wanted to share this with someone. I went back to church for the first time in years and went to four church services in a row and not one person spoke to me. Invisible. Thank you for letting me know you are going through something similar, even though I am sorry to hear it.
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Post by demetri on Nov 30, 2017 6:15:20 GMT
Sis I'm really sorry about this stuff that you're going through. I don't really have any wisdom to share with you. If I could I'd give you a big hug. Even better, imagine Jesus giving you a big hug cause he's probably had his arms around you like that for a long time anyway.
I'll be praying for you and your daughter
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Post by Alone on Nov 30, 2017 19:21:48 GMT
demetri - Thank you, the prayers are appreciated. It's kind of sad that I seem to find more kind-hearted, like-minded believers online, than I do in real life. I don't know where all the sincere believers are, but I am sure they not in the church.
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Post by Monii on Nov 30, 2017 20:24:42 GMT
Heres one advice that I know its difficult and I do struggle with it sometimes but I believe it is really important.
Try to keep your heart open, but dont throw pearls before the swine.
People act how they learned to act and most of them are on emotional survival mode. It helps me when I see them with compassion.
But I know you crave real deep fellowship. True christian fellowship with no fakeness. Noone will be like Jesus obviously cause we are all wounded before we leanred how to deal with that.
But also when throwing your pearls before swine they will stomp all over it. It is important to find balance in what we do for others as well. I think being abundant in prayer is never wrong. But sometimes being sacrificial for everyone around us might be fruitless. I guess we have to know the right time cause its not always going to melt peoples heart or change them or make them even consider it as an example. God knows their hearts. Jesus didnt waste time explaining everything to everyone so He spoke in parables. I hope it makes sense.
Sometimes sacrificing yourself for someone will only mean getting hurt. Opening up to get hurt. I think it has to balanced. Not everyone is ready to recieve it and the only outcome might be just them taking advantage.
I believe its important to know when to go into action. We cannot carry everyone on our shoulders as well. I think sometimes behaviour like that even awakes in people the need to take advantage of someone.
I dont know how much it relates to your case but thats just a thought.
Also not letting that root of bitterness and unforgiveness settle. Cause that might be a serious hindrance.
I think compassion and balance are the keys.
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Post by Alone on Dec 1, 2017 4:47:24 GMT
Monii - I found a lot of wisdom in your thoughts. I think you are right on target. I think it can be easy to go through life thinking that certain people just need to be loved more and then you will heal all their past hurt. I believed this for a very long time until I met a couple of people without a conscience. If you've never been the target of someone like this, you will not understand what this means; if you have, you know exactly what this means. Everything you thought you knew about brotherly love, Christianity, forgiveness, and how the world works becomes changed forever. You undergo a complete paradigm shift.
That is not to say that love and forgiveness from the Father aren't available to all - because of course they are. And I don't believe my personal sins are any better than those of someone without a conscience. But it's like you said - don't throw your pearls before swine. And you are right, balance is key. You are also right about bitterness and unforgiveness. It is obviously a lot easier to forgive when you receive an apology from those who hurt or abused you; but some people will never apologize. And while the willingness and intention may be there to forgive, sometimes forgiveness is a process. When Jesus said to forgive 70 x 7, I think it meant more than just to constantly forgive new offenses, but to also repeatedly forgive the old ones when bitterness arises in our hearts at the memory of past hurts. I wish intention alone was enough to wipe it all away, because I do forgive those who have wronged me. I've also realized how hard it is to move forward without a support system, a champion in your corner who encourages and accepts you. On the one hand, I feel it should be enough that I have Jesus as my champion; on the other hand, life does get heavy always going it alone.
But it is what it is. Thanks for taking the time to share you thoughts.
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Post by Monii on Dec 1, 2017 15:29:41 GMT
I know how it feels sis. Im trying to find that balance too. Im always worried it might be my pride getting in the way too. I get bitter easily sometimes.
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Post by demetri on Dec 2, 2017 4:54:25 GMT
Hey sister. How was your day? I pray the Lord fills you with the joy of his salvation and peace or gives your something to hang onto.
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Post by Alone on Dec 2, 2017 21:28:08 GMT
demetri - I'm struggling today, but thanks for asking and for your prayers. I'm not sure what God wants from me. We're not supposed to be earning favor with God through our own goodness, and through Christ we are supposed to be made worthy and transformed. Still, I end up feeling not good enough, as though there is something God still wants from me that I am fundamentally inadequate to ever provide, and therefore am not worthwhile or lovable to Him; unlike all the shiney, beautiful, talented, popular Christians who all have perfect beautiful, families and tons of beautiful, smiling friends. And even when they go through 'tough times', they have this sparkling testimony and are surrounded by tons of loving family and friends. It is not clear to me what I doing here. If it weren't for being a mother, there really is no purpose to my life. I have searched and prayed for years. I don't understand how to reconcile who the Bible says God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are vs my day-to-day reality. I do still believe, but it seems like God must have his favorites and I'm just not one of them.
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Post by waris on Dec 2, 2017 23:14:12 GMT
I think what God wants from you (or any of us) is sincere relationship. He doesn't want you believing in Him so you can get what you want. If you love Him even when you have absolutely nothing then He will provide.
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Post by Alone on Dec 3, 2017 0:04:58 GMT
waris - I have love Him when I had absolutely nothing. If I only believed in Him so I could 'get what i want', my faith would have died long ago. Sometimes I need to know that my desire to have a relationship with Him is indeed enough, because right now it feels like even that falls short.
I think maybe you don't understand what it feels like to have no family and no friends; to be completely isolated and alone in the world and to still have to get up each day and find something inside to give your daughter and hope it will be enough; to know there is not a single person who loves you or would care if you died. That is my reality everyday.
I don't even know what I'm doing here. I saw some YouTube video with a guy with a beard who said he was visited by Jesus in his furniture store, and then ended up here. Is that the 'Doug' everyone keeps speaking of here?
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Post by waris on Dec 3, 2017 5:51:43 GMT
I spend all day every day alone. I told you the only human interaction I have is the couple of words I say to my mom when she gets home from work. I don’t care if people know I exist. I only care if God knows I exist. God is more than enough for me and I have more peace and joy than ever before. I just don’t understand why you feel alone so please forgive me.
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Post by Larry Marquez on Dec 3, 2017 6:11:43 GMT
waris - I have love Him when I had absolutely nothing. If I only believed in Him so I could 'get what i want', my faith would have died long ago. Sometimes I need to know that my desire to have a relationship with Him is indeed enough, because right now it feels like even that falls short. I think maybe you don't understand what it feels like to have no family and no friends; to be completely isolated and alone in the world and to still have to get up each day and find something inside to give your daughter and hope it will be enough; to know there is not a single person who loves you or would care if you died. That is my reality everyday. I don't even know what I'm doing here. I saw some YouTube video with a guy with a beard who said he was visited by Jesus in his furniture store, and then ended up here. Is that the 'Doug' everyone keeps speaking of here? Yes that is Doug |
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